Stumped. May 22, 2009

How does one go about changing the fiber of one’s being?

I’ve decided I want to change.  I recognize my quirks/issues and want them gone.  However, I haven’t the slightest clue how to actually change me.

As I’ve mentioned before (and as anyone who really knows me knows well enough that I don’t have to say it at all), I am a perfectionist.  The big thing is, though, that I hold myself to this ridiculously high standard and then can’t forgive myself when I don’t achieve that standard.  I’m tired of it.  I want to change it.

Yesterday is a perfect example.  The day started off fine.  In fact, I was early to work, so I even went to Starbucks before work.  I didn’t look my absolute best, but I seldom do on Thursdays.  Wednesdays are too long for me to look very good on Thursdays.  Maybe lame… but true.  Anyway, I made several small mistakes throughout the day – nothing huge, but just kind of careless things.  I got mad at myself for that.  I was also fretting about an instance that happened back in January.  When these things build up, I start feeling like I just suck at life.  So then I started getting upset that I can’t keep it together – my house is a mess, Lance and I have barely seen each other this week, I messed up at work, I didn’t blowdry my hair this morning, and I think I have cavities.  Epic fail.  I was so upset that I could barely eat dinner.  We had quesadillas made of a tortilla folded in half plus cheese (obvi) and meat and veggies left over from kabobs from the other night.  I’m sure they were delicious.  I managed to choke down about 2/3 of one.  I spent the whole night longing to hang out with Lance because I was just so frustrated and upset and he always calms me down… and then he left for a three-hour elders meeting… and by the time he got home, I was upset that he had been gone so long and that the house still wasn’t clean and that I couldn’t figure out how to make a blog header.  And I was grouchy.  And not very nice.  And then I was mad at myself for being rude to the one person I wanted to hang out with.  And then I cried.

Really?

Why can’t I shake things off?

I know all the things about living in grace and all of that… but I find it hard to grasp that “living in grace” may also apply when I’m not even doing anything wrong.  I am trying to figure out how to forgive myself for being less than perfect… and not in the sin/no-sin kind of way.  Just in the “it-turns-out-I-am-human” way.

For some people, letting things slide and working through them seems to come so naturally.  For me, I can’t seem to figure out how to do it all.

Sigh.